Male Call: Anonymous

Rik--I really enjoyed your perspective on American-Filipina relationships. I am going to visit Cagayan De Oro in about three weeks to meet my girlfriend and her family. You give really good advice about the balance of power in relationships, and my gf Divine is very sweet and fun. SHe's quite a bit younger than me, but I understand that isn't much of a problem there. She has told me many times "You're the boss" and that she will follow my direction. But I have noticed a funny thing about her... she will say something like "I am not going to go back to school next semester" and I will agree with her. I'll say, "That's fine honey if that is what you want..." and then she'll get tampo and say "So, you don't want me to go to school then?" I am learning more and more about how to communicate past the culture barrier. She isn't the first filipina I've had a relationship with, but she willb e the first one I am actually going to see. And I need all the caveats I can get, cause I read the gravity of your words when you said "if you marry the first filipina you meet, you'll be sorry". Any advice you have would be greatly appreciated. Divine is very sweet though, and very loving. We talk almost every day, and she is always sending me cards and letters and pictures. She's seems like the real deal to me, and I say this after being scammed by several foreign women in the past. Cheers!

...Rik...

Hello Anonymous, and welcome to ETP. Thanks for the kind words. This is about the only place you and others are going to get the truth about the Philippines and relationships with Filipina's... and at no charge! Remember that when you surf to all of the tourist and personal's sites. You'll find no hidden agenda and no hidden charges at ETP. That bit of advertisement is for you new readers.

Anonymous, if you have personal questions or want more personal advice, you can leave me your name and email address and I'll get back to you, I promise. No one else will have access to either if you don't want either known.

I gather this will be your first visit to the RP (Republic of the Philippines). You're going to meet your Honey Ko and, naturally, her family. It's common to be scrutinized by the whole family and there may be dozens of people sitting around staring at you that will probably include grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins, neighbors, friends. This will be a good time for you to learn some important things about your Filipina and the nature of her family, so keep your eyes open and pay attention to what goes on between you and them, and watch their faces as they talk to each other. Although you won't understand what they're saying to each other, if you watch carefully you may be able to pick-up intuitive feelings of what's going on.

Soon after the family meeting many foreign men begin to lose their money to gifts and the hand-outs' for fixing the roof, doctor bills, and so on. Your Dilipina may have already made you believe they need financial help from youin the earlier writing stage. You may be tempted by the poverty and poor conditions you see, or subtly coerced, to spend money. My advice is don't. Why?

Because you're going to be buried under smiles and friendliness either way, whether it's because they want to fleece you, or just be friendly. How will you tell which it is? And for your information, you're going to see a kind of poverty that doesn't exist anywhere in the USA, Australia or England, in the whole Western world; the temptation to give and to help will be probably be overwhelming. And although that can be a good thing, it can also work against you. Here's how.

1. If you are busy giving out the money, you won't know whether your Honey Ko really cares about you or your money. And it's important for both your future financial and emotional well-being that you establish, for yourself, the true nature of your relationship with her. If she really cares about you it won't matter whether you throw money around or not. It's all about the love, right?

2. If you find you really care about her after the visit, you should establish with her that you are not a repository of an endless flow of cash. For instance, before I allowed Celine to move in with me, I made it abundantly clear that I was taking on responsibilty for her, not her entire family, and that I would never support them or give them loans. Celine went home and told her family what I said. Good fortune smiled on me in that her family, although very poor, are proud and not greedy people. That's rare. Celine's mother and father said, "We don't want his (Rik's) money, and we won't ask for any. The father also went to all of his and his wife's relatives and ordered them not to bother us, come to the house or to ask me for money. Wow! That's incredibly rare! Of course it didn't exactly happen that way; refusing to take no for an answer, some of the more selfish and greedy relatives repeatedly came to demand money. My answer was consistantly the same. "No!"

It was important to establish to the relatives that they weren't going to be able to use me for their own gain. Before long, no one came anymore. Now, having written that, I have financially helped Celine's immediate family many times. But they don't ask for the help. I choose the times and the situations, and give because I want to, not because it's expected. Again, good fortune has been with me; Celine parents actually tell me they don't want my money and even try to refuse it - but I push it on them, always adding this same phrase, "It's my money and I can do what I want with it." That always leaves the opposite impression that I won't help if I don't want to, and subsequently they have no expectations.

The important thing is that I control the flow of my money. If you make the mistake of helping whenever you're asked to, or give loans (which virtually always means give with no hope of repayment) you are only asking to be put on a treadmill of never ending requests for money and hand-outs. You need to realize that you realy can't really help the people by giving money, anyway. The real poverty that is their daily existence won't change because you give a little money. But they will want you to give again and invent reasons to ask for more. My own, and most others' experience has been that they will not usually spend the money to make their lives better anyway, but spend it on snacks, and beer, rum or gin, jewelry or clothes. The sick child will remain sick and no doctor will see it, the leaking roof will still be leaking long after the money has disappeared. Commonly, Pinoy don't save money. Whether it's a little or a lot, it will be spent as quickly as possible, and on whatever the eyes happen to see first without regard to its importance in their lives.

Although I refuse all requests for money, Celine's parents, sisters and brothers all love me to one degree or another, and hold me in high regard. They admire my strength of character and truly appreciate that I want to help care for them when they have a real and desperate need.

If you show any weakness, Anonymous, you will be exploited. That's a fact, and you can count on it happening to you. If you accept that reality and take steps to protect yourself in advance, you should be all right.

3. Pinoy understand strength and power. They may not be happy with the rules you set, and they may not like you because you deflect their attempts to use you, but they will respect you and treat you a lot better than if they find they can manipulate you. They may come to love you, even though they can't control you. So you will be much better off in the long run.

Pinoy admire strength. Establish yourself as a man of strength, and never bend your own rules. You'll be amazed at the respect you'll recieve for your efforts. You will have established your position within the family and they will look to you to lead and will even seek your advise.

Aside from your obvious superior financial power, you have something far more valuable: knowledge. If they're smart they will tap into that knowledge base. And if you truly want to help them you should put that extensive knowledge that is so casually dispensed to most westerners to good use to give them the kind of help they really need.

You don't need to flaunt your superiority over them, nor am I saying that you should be tough, mean, raise your voice, yell or be commanding to the family members. Just be strong, be friendly, be happy and laugh and enjoy yourself; but always remain strong. You're entering into a uniquely Asian culture. It's far from what you're used to. The level of the Pinoy's ignorance about biology, medicine, the basics of virtually anything, is going to astound you. Use your knowledge to improve their lives - without the money component - and you will stand tall in their estimation of you.

Age issues: Anonymous, age doesn't have the same relevance as in the Western world. Just this morning Celine was telling me about a thirteen year-old female cousin of hers that went, of her own choice, to live with a 38 year-old man. The local version of a DSWD (child welfare) worker went to the man's house and wanted to force that girl go home to her parents. The parents had no problem with the arrangement, but it's the job of DSWD to insinuate themselves, just like in America, into other people's affairs. The girl refused and said she chose to and wanted to be with that man as his wife. DSWD, said, "All right, but if you change your mind, let us know," and left.

It's quite common for a 15 to 18 year-old Flipina to marry a man - Pinoy as well as foreign - who is well into his 30's or 40's. If you live here any length of time you'll soon hear about girls 15 to 25 marrying men as old as in their 80's. I won't waste time and space explaining why, except to say that young Filipina's soon learn that they're wasting their time with young, drunk playboy run-arounds'. Filipina's want to have a good man, one they can depend on, and they see that in an older man who's settled and reliable.

Anonymous, you wrote that Devine told you, "You're the boss," And that she'd follow your direction. She was teaching you about Asian culture and society, and how you could expect her to behave. And you did what most any well-trained (by women) American man would do; you relinquished your position as boss, as the one in charge, and your (potential) position as the head of the family. In her eyes, you were also showing a weakness. If you had been reading ETP thoroughly, you would have known that Filipina's expect you to be dominant and to lead. You left her with little choice but to challenge you to stand-up and take charge - I.E: "So you don't want me to go to school then?"

It was a big mistake on your part, but not an uncorrectable one. You will have to learn all over again how to behave with women. You rule... you're the boss... you make the decisions. That's what she told you. And you didn't listen to her! She must ask you for permission to do anything, and you must always make the decisions. You will control Devine. THAT'S how it is! Be kind, be loving, but be the boss. If you can't handle that, then you should stay home and get an Americunt - the European or Australian equivalent - to make decisions for you and to run things her way.

If you'd paid attention to Devine you would have realized that it's up to you whether she does or does not return to school. You tell her - "You will return to school," or "I don't want you going to school any longer."But, whatever you do tell her, also tell her, "You will obey me and do what I tell you to do." And if you don't want her to go to school, explain why - then tell her what she must do instead. That's what she expects from you!

Devine will still marry you, but she'll walk all over you if you hand her all the power. She, on the other hand, is looking to you for your strength and your willingness to lead, guide and, yes, control her. Is that what you really want? If the answer is yes, then you'd better start now. Remember an earlier suggestion of mine; start ahead of time deciding how you will do things, how she must behave, and what you will and will not accept and tolerate. Figure out now what those rules are and then lay it on the line for Devine. "You (Devine) will either accept my rules and how things will be or go somewhere else."

Anonymous, there's one other thing to consider about what or why Devine brought up the subject of dropping her next semester of college. It's possible that she hasn't been attending school at all. The school-scam is nothing new with Filipina's, and there are countless Filipina's using the school-scam to both deceive men into thinking their Honey Ko is intelligent and educated (and therefore probably from a good family). That would also make her a potential second 'earner,' which can be a plus for some men needing more money than can provided from a n often small retirement or disability pension. Then there's school-scam, Part II, about how Honey Ko can't continue in school because she can no longer afford to go - could you perhaps help her a little?

Foreigner's commonly use their own cultural and societal backgrounds to make decisions about their Honey Ko; one of them is education. It seemingly makes sense to want an educated woman - it fits-in with how people percieve each other in the West. Pinay know that. They may be ignorant, but they're not stupid.

That scam, used throughout the Philippines, is a popular ruse with the bargirl/prostitutes in Angeles City, Pampanga. They will usually be studying Computer Technology - more believable because they use a computer and the Internet to talk to you - or Care Giving.

Many men have discovered, after a hasty marriage, that their Honey Ko has no more than a grade-4 education, and that they're more adept at spreading their legs and getting a man's juices flowing than working with spread-sheets or flow-charts.

However, all of the highly educated American and European white-collar criminals stealing the public blind then, when caught, lie through their teeth, ought to indicate to you and others that education only offers opportunity, and doesn't guarantee honesty or trustworthness.

My Filipina wife, whom I'm seeking an annulment from, is college educated, but is both an idiot and manipulative. Celine, on the other hand only made it through grade-3, but is one of the smartest Filipina's I've met - and she is totally honest and has an innocent nature.

I'm not saying that your Devine is deceiving you about her education, but the fact that she is talking about leaving school just at the time you are going to the RP to meet her leads me to wonder, "Is it because she can't fake being a student when you're physically there in the RP with her?"

To be certain, here's what I would suggest you do. Ask Devine to take you to her college to meet some of her teachers, her school director and her advisor, so you can hear what they have to say about her abilities as a student. In that way, you can explain, you can find out her strengths and weaknesses and determine whether she should continue with her studies or not. And tell her you want to see her report cards - so you can see what a fine student she is!

If Devine tells you that the school is too far away for a visit, tell her it will make for a nice trip. If she starts giving you excuses why you can't go, and that her report cards are at her Lola's (grandmother's) house, your intuition should wake you up to the fact that something could well be amiss. Don't let her talk you out of going. It's best that you prove to yourself that she hasn't been or isn't in the process of deceiving you. If you discover that she is deceiving you, ask yourself what other deceptions lay hidden beneath the veneer of your "sweet and... very loving" darlin'.

Lastly, you can hire a Pinoy investigator to look into your Honey Ko and give you a report. It would cost you only a small fraction of what you would pay a P.I. in your home country. Doing any or all of those things would be far, far cheaper than marrying your darlin' Devine and then discovering you'd been scammed.

I'm not just flapping my ethereal lips for the fun of it. You're walking into a new world, a Twilight Zone relative to your Western brand of experience. It's up to you whether you will have a successful relationship. You can't blame her if things go bad. It's completely your responsibilty to protect yourself.

If everything turns out fine and you feel you know beyond a doubt that you can trust her, you can start counting your lucky stars.

Then you can reflect on what Devine has already told you about what she expects from you. And you can get started practicing your skills at being the boss. Don't be the arrogant, jerk boss that everyone hates, but be the boss all the same. The stronger you are the more she'll love you (if she loves you at all). You're going to have to teach her practically everything - so begin practicing being the teacher right away before you leave your home country. In Asia, being the teacher means that you must be a kindly but strict disciplinarian. Accept no substitutes... be firm, strong, dominant.

All of my advice goes double or triple if you are planning to take Devine back to the West. You'd better make her understand fully that if she lives in the States or wherever, nothing is going to change for her. Even so, you should expect that she'll become assimulated by her surroundings, and you'll most likely find that she won't be your 'little Filipina' for long. The Americunt's living next door, at work and elsewhere will see to that.

As for Devine being the real deal... well, time will tell if that's true or not. But, if you do things right by thinking about what you are going to do in advance, gird your loins, set and lay down your rules, then you will stand a much better chance of your 'real deal' turning into a sweet deal.

How, you may well ask, do I know things like I describe will happen? Because much, but not all of it happened to me, or to countless others.

I learned from my mistakes. No one helped me to understand how things work in the RP, so I had to trip, stumble and fall, then pick myself up again. Now I'm trying to help you and others get through the maze without bumping your head in the dark too much. It's up to you whether you heed the advice.

I do apologize if I seem tough on you, but there it is, none-the-less. Welcome to the Philippines and the Asian way of life. Good fortune to you, and thanks for writing to ETP.

Rik