MALE CALL: Jim

Readers: To fully understand the content, read Jim’s earlier letters:

Testing the water. He floats!

Hi, Rik!
Well, wonder of wonders! Here it is Thursday, and not one peep about unfaithfulness, or imaginary girlfriends, or any other reference to my faithfulness! I really didn’t think she could do it! (Talaga!) So, as of now, she is still here, and she has been thoughtful, and done my ironing and cooked each evening meal, and been what has passed for normally sweet, even giving me a kiss when she comes in from work or whatever errand she has been on.
Your instructions/suggestions are of value! She seems to have finally gotten the message, and is ready to accept some house rules, set by me. Thank’s, buddy!

I still intend to retire to the RP in a couple of years. (With or without my Mahal) My Social Security monthly payment is $800.00 per month, not nearly enough to live on here, but ample for the RP; converted at today’s money-rate to P44,000. I should be able to live quite comfortably on that amount… or do you disagree?

Will I, if necessary, take another Filipina to wife? Yes. But in answer to your next question; Yes, I certainly will act differently toward her, and will choose the replacement after I get there, and am settled in my own house. And I’ll use the old rule, “try before you buy”! Does that sound crass? Probably, but it’s the voice of caution, taught by experience! I’m truly happy for you and Celine! She is a gem! Does she have a sister?

How did I treat my wife? Your suspicion is correct! I treated her as I was taught by my mother. I expected her to be my equal in family decisions, and let her know that. “What do you think, Mahal?” As life goes on, I expect to deal with her now (and with any possible replacement Honey Ko) in the fashion that a Master Chief in the Navy deals with his subordinates. “If I want your opinion, I’ll give it to you!” Now, before you think I’m too off-the-wall, I know I should do it a great deal more diplomatically and with greater sensitivity than that, but that’s the end result, anyway! And if a “new recruit” doesn’t like it, she can take a hike! I’m hoping I can work it out with my Mahal, since I do have deep tender feelings for her, in spite of the pain she has caused me, but the same applies to her.

The land in Zamboanga del Sur (see below: Rik) is in Mahal’s name, and I have “no personality” - meaning NO AUTHORITY - in its ownership. I paid the taxes (and other expenses), and planted 300 Coco Palms there, and the fees necessary for her to have the title to the land clearly and legally in her name. But if the situation deteriorates to the same old stressful grind, I’m willing to write that off, just to be rid of the constant accusations!

………………

Earlier, Jim wrote about the matter of corruption in the Philippines to an editorial writer with a Manila newspaper:

My Filipina wife’s father left her about 25 hectares of land, near Siay, in Zamboanga del Sur, which she holds in trust for her children.
Her half-brother, who lives near the land in question, completely counter to the “law of the land” and the Department of Energy and Natural Resources is cutting down and selling hardwood trees on her land in her absence while she is here in the US with me. He has been visited before by the local authorities (Police) and the DENR and told to cease and desist, but continues his illegal activities, using up the resources earmarked for the grandchildren’s homebuilding efforts with no regard or respect, or trust in the wishes of his father!
… It has been my experience that the endemic, almost arrogant corruption at all levels of society in the Philippines is causing the horrible-to-watch decline of business, artistic expression, moral integrity, and personal pride in nearly all the populace. The corruption itself is not the problem, but the universal acceptance of it that keeps foreign business investors at arms’ length, and caused those who have already invested to close out and run, to cut their losses. The only exceptions I have found are those foreigners who have taken such advantage of the situation as to have effectively enslaved Filipinos in their own country, and can make a profit in spite of the prevailing necessary bribes, or as my Filipina wife calls them “mobilizations”!
This is a situation that can only get worse, until the full collapse of the country into total anarchy, starvation, and moral degradation brings about a sense of the need for basic morality in the common people.
How can I help? I can refuse to take part in “mobilizations”, and influence my family and friends to do likewise, giving up the perceived benefits of paying for what I want twice, in order to get it in some reasonable length of time.

………………

I don’t expect any fair treatment from Philippine law, as regards joint ownership of other properties we have, like our house in Antipolo City that I paid off in the amount of $6,500.00 US. She said the house was registered in her name and mine, on the tax rolls. That’s nice, but if we must part ways, I expect to lose that investment, also. Plus, the more deeply I go into this Dual Citizenship thing, I find that it is a river of muddy water. The RP seems to be OK with it, but the US is not forthcoming on the subject in any meaningful way. You (Rik) can own any land or facilities you chose, but at this time all must be held in Celine’s name. “Ya pays yer money and takes yer chances!”

… hang in there, and keep on tellin’ it like is IS! You’re a valuable resource for all us wide-eyed, naïve, wishful American men. Blessings on you!
Jim

…Rik…

Congratulations, Jim; ETP is glad you tested the water and learned you could float! Whatever part I may have played in your taking more control; I doubt it was very much. I only implanted the notion in your mind that things could be different – ought to be different - and you took it from there. You should take the credit for what you did. But, whatever my role was, I’m glad I could be of some help.

Mustering and using your own strength has paid off; you can feel confident and pleased about taking charge of your life, and removing the grip your wife once had on you.
Mahal should have concerned herself with treating you as a husband all along, rather than as a walking bank or useful tool. I’m sure you realize now, that because you allowed it, Mahal seized the opportunity and became little more than a puppet-master above you. You danced, but it’s obvious that you weren’t a willing dancer. It was ruining your marriage. But no more. How does it feel to be your own master?
Jim, you are now a long stride ahead of most of the pack of American men who will never have a truly good relationship. They say, “Behind every good man, there’s a good woman.” I would rewrite it this way: “Behind every American man, there’s a woman shoving him in the direction of her desires.”
From the beginning Mahal needed to know what the rules were, and what behavior was acceptable or intolerable. Without those, Mahal didn’t know what to do, so she did what she wanted without regard to you.
It’s none of my business, and I’m not asking you to tell me, but I can’t help wondering what you did differently and what you said to put an end to her bad behavior. My father used to use the term that someone needed to "get a spine.” I think most American men need to “get a spine” and stop permitting women to walk all over them; and I include myself, though now in the past-tense only.

If the ‘reader’ gives himself freedom to admit that he’s not the perfect Macho Man, he can find a way to admit that it’s we men who’ve have enabled women to take control of our lives. If the reader can do that, then he can take that control back.
Jim, reading your admissions of your trouble with your wife and how she was treating you induced me to write about my own relationship in an earlier article (read the previous article). It occurred to me that it might help the readers to understand just how bad things got for me, and then, how I was willing and able to turn things around for myself. Perhaps they would see themselves somewhere in my story.
In a sense, it was my wife who led me to think about my own failure to “get a spine,” and to take long overdue action to walk a path of my own choosing. I suppose I should thank her for that. For when I took that step to divorce my ex-wife, I said to myself in my mind and out loud, “Never again,” would I allow a woman to control and manipulate me. And I never did.

I was divorced at age forty-five. For the first time in 15-years I found myself back on the ‘dating circuit.’ It was an interesting period of my life, even though it wasn’t much fun. However, as time progressed it became quite humorous for me, as I was again to rediscover the true nature of the American female mind-set.
After my divorce, I continued to live in the USA for ten years. In that time I met only one woman that I believed wanted more than to simply be supported by me. And, although I dated a lot, I almost never wanted to date the same girl twice. Then again, they didn’t want to date me again, either.
It was a time of learning; re-education, you might say. At first it was frustrating, going through the dating rituals, but after awhile it got down-right funny. Here’s the story:

During that period I was no longer able to work, due to my back injury, and I was living off of my disability benefits and a sizable amount of money from the sale of my San Diego home. When I was working, I had made great money and had a comfortable lifestyle. As the years went by, I accumulated some expensive dress clothes, quality furniture, stereo, etc. I also owned a customized 1975 Camaro which looked brand-new. So I ‘presented’ well to the public. When I would meet ladies I made a pretty good visual impression, and I would venture that I looked like I “had money.” On dates, I would usually dress-up in my finest dress clothes and take the lady out to a good restaurant with a soft, romantic ambience where we could leisurely take our dinner talking over candle-light, and have a long conversation with wine afterwards to get to know each other.
When I would pick my date up and they would see how I was dressed, I knew they were impressed with me from the way they looked me up and down and the smiles and sparkle in their eyes. I hoped they were impressed because they could see I was willing to make the effort to look nice, and that I had good manners. They always loved my car. Me, too.
At the restaurant, my date would lean forward and smile and would make all those subtle moves that tell a man when a woman is interested.
The conversation during dinner - pretty much the same each and every time - with slight variations on the theme, eventually became a source of chuckles for me:

SHE: “Soooo, what do you do, Rik?”
ME: “I’m the artistic and creative type. I play guitar at a professional level and sing. I design graphic art on my computer for what business I can pick-up and, using PhotoShop software, I create and sell digital artwork in a local gallery. It doesn’t pay much, but it helps. Mostly I do it because I love performing and being creative. It’s all just for fun, really. It gives me something to do to amuse myself”
SHE: leaning forward more; eyes widening, hands placed close to mine, or her finger touching mine on the table. “Soooo, you don’t make much money at it? Then how do you live? I mean, you must have a profession where you make your real money? I can see that your clothes are expensive and tailored for you… your car…I mean, you must be doing something right?”
ME: “No, actually I’m retired.”
SHE: lights flashing in her head, her eyes rolling around as she assesses me - relatively young, in his 40’s, expensive dresser, custom car, intelligent, articulate, and with a good vocabulary denoting education…
“Soooo, you’re very young to be retired. You must have made a lot of money when you did work” – the big smile, the sparkling eyes. “Did you make a killing on the stock market? Own your own company? Are you one of those dot-com millionaires who now devote your life to enjoying your wealth?” she would ask in anticipation.
ME: “No. I’m just retired.”
SHE: unsure and hesitant. “But… how do you live?”
ME: "I live on social security disability benefits. I broke my back years ago in a work accident and I can’t do any kind of sustained work now. I have to lay down a lot to rest my back due to extensive pain.
SHE: eyes going dull, leaning back in her chair, hands no longer on the table, but in her lap. “Oh… I…I see. So you live on... social security. That’s it? How much is that? Can you live on that?”
ME: "Sort of. It’s not much. I’m certainly never going to get rich on it.”
SHE: “……………… ummm. It’s late, and I really should be getting home.”
SHE: at her front door. “Well, goodnight. Thanks for a nice evening.”
ME: “Would you like to get together again sometime?” (smiling inside because by now I know what the answer will be).
At this point I’d get one of two answers.
SHE: Answer one: “Let’s just see how it goes, OK? I’ll call you.”
Answer two: “I don’t think it would work out, ya know?”
Both answers were the kiss of death. "Get lost!" I got the same unspoken message every single time. ‘There’s no way I’m going to hook-up with a guy whose sole income is social security!’
In a way, it was a blessing to me. Once again I saw that the key to an American woman’s heart was not through love, goodness, kindness, humor or compatibility. Only with small, dull green pieces of paper would I ever carpet my path the entire way into the heart of an American woman.

Now, I don’t blame any woman for wanting more than a starvation income. But none of my other attributes were ever given any consideration at all. I’m not bitter and I’m not angry. Life is what it is, and people are what they are. But that doesn’t mean I personally have to agree with or accept everything that comes my way.
Anyway, life is funny. What breaks your heart one day can make you laugh on another. The truth is, if I had married another American woman, or if I’d never broken my back, I would probably never have come to the Philippines, and I would never have met Celine. When I boil it all down to its essence, the bad things in my life turned out to be good for me. And I wouldn’t trade what I have now and return to America even if I could afford to live in a mansion with an unobstructed view of the ocean in La Jolla, California. Sometimes cheap is just better.

That was for you Jim, and all the other readers. I may as well share my own bad experiences and burdens if it will help another. The best part, though, is that now that I’ve told my own story, I can let it slip into the fog of the past and get back to being happy today.

The writing was on the wall. I would probably never get married again, unless I knelt down to some trailer trash ‘chick’ who would be happy if she could only get a couple beers in her everyday. That’s not for me. Better to stay single.
And I was all too aware, as my savings ran low, that I could no longer afford to live in the USA on nothing more than SSA. My research on moving to a country where I could afford to live in was in progress. And, to make a long story short, here I am in the Philippines.

In the RP (Republic of the Philippines), I practically need a stick to beat off all the girls and women who constantly flirt and throw themselves at me. If I were the type that loved to play the field, I could have a different woman in my bed virtually every night. It’s a mighty kick and heady experience to have young girls, beautiful young teen-age girls, trying to get me to allow them through my door. Many blatantly flirt with me in front of Celine. They don’t care; they’d steal away what Celine has (me) in a heartbeat if they could.

Fellow’s, one way to put an end to being used and mistreated is to stop trying to get milk from a dry cow. In other words, if you want to be happy stop going through the same revolving door hoping you’ll get lucky enough to meet an American woman who will love you, “just because of who you are.”
I’m not going to say that that kind of lady doesn’t exist in America, but I am saying that they’re almost as rare as flying pigs.

The smart thing to do is to move to the Philippines where the kind of woman you want is not even close to being an endangered species. Or for you younger and less patient guys; if you just can’t wait to retire, marry a Filipina and take her home with you. But if you do, and she turns into an Americunt, don’t yell at me about it, because I don’t really recommend bringing them home. Far better, I think, to stand-up and start demanding that the women in your area learn how to be real women again. Staying single in America, given the options, isn’t all that bad an idea. Dating is always cheaper than marriage. And you can walk away when she starts trying to turn you into her own version of Disco Duck.

My readers, will you turn and go you own way, or will you not? You have gone to the Internet in search of something different, something better and more satisfying than what you have had to endure from the women of your homeland. Otherwise you wouldn’t be reading my web log at this moment. Now you must learn to do things differently - even if that means moving to and living in the Philippines in order to find a woman who’s truly interested in being a good wife to you, who’ll work beside you to make a happy life for you both, rather than shove you around from behind where you can’t see what’s really going on. If your a more mature man I shouldn't need to tell you the following. But if you're a young man; When you finally sit still long enough to use your brain instead of your tool to think about life: all the money, and all of your toys, your stereo, your cool car, the house with the pool, the trips to Jamaica, the 65-inch flat-screen TV monitor - you fill in the rest - aren't worth worth anything. Having a woman to love, and to be loved in a real and meaningful way, as a good companion and trustworthy and dedicated advocate, as well as a good lover is all that's ever going to make a sustained and important impact on your life.

Jim, while it is possible to live in the Philippines on $800 a month, you can’t live the high-life on that amount of money. But you can be comfortable, pay all of your bills, and still have a little spending money to do things for enjoyment. You won't be able to live in a very large and fancy house, but you can adapt. If you go back to my article, “How And Why The Philippines - Cost Of Living,” you can calculate about how much you need to get by. It doesn’t apply to living in a city like Manila or Cebu. Like most cities, it costs a lot more to live, but where the quality of life is less.

You’re thinking more clearly, now, Jim, in saying you’ll treat either Mahal or another Filipina in a different manner when you retire to the Philippines. Neither statement about “try before you buy,” and using the technique of a navy chief to make you wife behave properly is crass or wrong. I understand that you don’t intend to be mean or abusive, but are just venting through an idea, after all your troubles with Mahal (By the way, readers; Mahal means, “Love,” in the Tagalog language).
Thanks for your wishes of happiness for Celine and I. To change the subject momentarily: How about this? Celine is currrently menstruating and having extremely bad cramps (the worst she’s ever had, says she). Poor girl, she’s really suffering this month. But is she making me miserable, as well? No way! She still laughs, and we’ve been kidding around all day. She just got up from the couch a few moments ago for no other reason than to come to the room where I’m working to give me a kiss and a hug, let me squeeze her oh-so-finely-shaped behind, then returned to lay on the couch and watch TV. What a sweetie! I’m such a lucky guy.
Yes, Jim, Celine has five sisters, but not one of them is like her. They were never disciplined as strictly as Celine was and have developed tempers and poor attitudes. The two married one's have husbands that behave like women, so the girls are the boss.
If you really love Mahal, and haven’t simply grown used to having her around, stick with her. However, I recommend talking to her a lot now, both to teach her that her current behavior is going to be permanently changed, and that you will not tolerate her previous bad behavior one more day - in preparation for moving her back to the RP. The kind of talk (action) I mean is to make her understand that when you two move back to the RP you are going to be very strict with her as Pinoy custom dictates. Also tell her that she will be severely disciplined by you in the RP if she doesn’t obey you. Include spankings or whatever other methods of discipline you feel comfortable with. Although the crazy laws in America now prohibit physical discipline, such things are not uncommon in the RP. Which is better? I won’t argue that, but I’ll point out that, in general, children, teenagers and the older youth in the States have become uncontrollable, unbearable selfish monsters since the right to implement strict discipline was stipped from parents and power was handed over to all of those insane Phychiatrist-Gods, who's noxious psycho-babble is a big contributor to the slow but inevitable self-destruction of the American family and society.

It’s my opinion that it’s vital for you to assert permanent control over Mahal immediately. If you don’t, when you get back to RP, she may throw away all of your money showing-off to family and friends just how rich and American she is, and demonstrating how she gained power over you by learning to be a hard-nosed feminist.
Speaking of money, you should give thought to also taking away her credit cards, etc., and train her to to live in a cash only environment, with you controlling how much money she gets - not as a monthly allowance, but as she needs it.
Since my arrival here four years ago, I have never used a credit card, and I have only used checks to deposit money from my American bank to my local bank. It’s a cash society in the RP. Besides, you’ll need to control the flow of money once you live here permanently. It will also benefit you in your training of Mahal to obey you.

You have a lot of work ahead of you in training Mahal to think and behave differently. I don’t suggest you mistreat her. To the contrary. I recommend treating her well, and with love – but strongly and strictly. She’s not sure at the moment where she stands with you and is most likely worried about what her future would be if she had to fend for herself. Now is the time to seize the moment to develop strict guidelines for her and to incorporate your new discipline regimen.
Thanks for the information on foreign property rights. I knew some of it already, but I’m sure I could learn more.

Readers, you more-or-less have no property rights in the Philippines. As I understand it, you can own one lot of 600 square meters in your name. Add any more property to your holdings and you will pay for everything, but your wife will be the titled owner. And she can sell it out from underneath you if she chooses to. That’s another good reason to train your filipina to be loyal to you and obey you through strict discipline. As part of the receipe of discipline, I recommend lots os laughter, joking, tickling, kitchen dancing (attention paid to your Honey Ko when she's cooking or washing dishes: a kiss on the neck can go a long way). I always sneak up on Celine and tickle her waist, kiss and lick her ear, and tell her, "You know how much it drives me crazy when I see you with soap on your hands!" Or any number of other excuses. Discipline isn't about being tough, it's about love and caring and responsibility from both husband and wife.

I hope you’ll keep writing and keep ETP aware of how things are proceding for you, Jim. And, as always, good fortune to you.
Rik