MALE CALL: John

Hey Rik,I just found your site and have really enjoyed reading.I think it great that you have built such a nice life for yourself. Celine is a lovely lady. She reminds me of Raquel, a nice Mexican girl I was courting. I almost brought her to the US for marriage, but she got cold feet at the last minute.

I am 39 years old (a little too young to retire / stop working). I have been fascinated with the idea of leaving the US. Asian women really grab my attention. I love America, but I have gotten bored with the rat race. Do you have any more info on income opportunities in the PR? Do you know anyone at the University in your area? I have a Bachelors degree in accounting and a Masters in management. Teaching for a year at a university may be a good way to move somewhere interesting, while not fully dropping out.Keep writing!John P

…Rik…

Hi John, and welcome to ETP, I’m glad you enjoy reading the articles, and I hope the information is of use to you.
My years and life with Celine has proven to be, by far, the most satisfying. It’s been amazingly wonderful to be more precise. In 38 years of dating and marriage in the USA, my love-life and relationships with women were mostly ones of frustration and befuddlement; due to the mind-games, power-games, control games, and the manipulation-games girls and women practice in the States. American women have created a well-rehearsed management system of keeping men off-balance, and always wondering where they stand with their girlfriend or wife. It works wonderfully, and is highly beneficial to the women. Keeping her man stumbling and bumbling, never sure how solid or elastic his relationship is, and always wondering if his woman is going to leave him or stay, the Americunt holds on to the power, and can manipulate her man in any way she wishes.
The culture of playing men for what a women can get for herself begins in childhood. With methods passed down from mother to daughter, aunt to niece, older sister to the younger, by the time girls are in her late teens, most are experts at deception and manipulation. What do woman want when they look for a boyfriend or husband? You’ve heard it all; you’ve seen it all played out repeatedly on television and in films. The high school girl wants the jock for prestige and status, and/or the guy with the cool (read expensive) car, and plenty of money to take them places and buy them things. In college they graduate to wanting to marry the doctor, lawyer, CEO, or dot.com millionaire. Mom, wants to know what the man’s profession is and, “How much money does he make?” when the daughter informs her she’s “in love.”
So, what do you think Betty Sue is really interested in when you ask her out or to marry you? Is it all about love? Is it all about making a good and happy life together? Is it about giving or is it about taking?
What I most observed in my own and other American style marriages was that the wife was more intent on establishing authority and separation of responsibility, and independence from the husband, than she was creating a viable, long lasting and soothe running American marriage.
My own American ex-wife was deliriously happy with everything about me when we were dating. I was Mister Wonderful. I didn't learn until much too late that my wife was heavily into deception to hide who she really was inside; a person filled with self-loathing, afraid to look at herself. Far worse, she turned out to be a Contrarian; one who likes, hates or says or does the opposite of someone close to her. Even if she agreed with me in her heart, she would disagree with me vocally. If I liked something, she would hate it. Later, if I was to say that I hated the same thing, she would would insist that she loved it. What I wanted, she didn't; what I didn't want, she did, and so on. There were many times that I thought a good whack on her head with a Prescription Hammer, claw-end down, would have been just the ticket for what ailed her. Instead, I endured through the slow decline and collapse of a fifteen-and-a-half year relationship that had never made it past those first hope-filled opening days of my marriage.

Not long after our wedding day, the way I dressed, in shorts and T-shirts, or Jeans and T-shirt, sandals or hiking/walking shoes was no longer considered acceptable dress. She started dressing me up – like a doll – to make me look “presentable.” That was in the late seventies, so I went from the loose hippy-look to Disco-Duck, complete with polyester pants, ugly print-shirts and gold neck-chain, before I knew what hit me. Nothing short of a complete make-over would have satisfied my sweet and dear darlin'. Now there was very little if anything about me that she liked. I required “readjustment.”
That stage didn’t last long. Unfortunately for her, I was not going to be rearranged like a piece of furniture, and I quickly refused to be sanitized, at her whim, to what her fantasy husband should look and act like.
While my “darlin’” considered me married to her and therefore responsible to and for her in every conceivable way; she, on the other hand, held that she was independent and bore no responsibility whatsoever to or for me. If she wanted something, a glass of water or clothes, etc., she would tell me to get it for her. If I asked for something, a cup of coffee, dinner, or most often, for her to pick-up after herself – since she was the biggest slob I ever had the misfortune to live with – she would tell me, “Do it yourself!”
My darlin’ demanded whatever she pleased of me, and always made it abundantly clear when she was unhappy with this or that about me, then demanded that I stop, change, or do for her.
When it was me that was unhappy with something about her, and I told her that I wanted to talk about her slavishness and laziness, her tacit refusal to participate in the marriage, she, as usual, flatly refused to have any discussion with me about any of my "complaints" - period. If she demanded of me, it was because I needed correcting. If I demanded anything of her, I was nothing more than a constant complainer. For the first thirteen years of marriage we had not one single “talk” though I tried to initiate hundreds. But I sure heard plenty from her.
One evening, after she had eaten her second piece of cake and drank her second glass of milk – each requiring fresh dishes, silverware, and napkins – and she had left them on the coffee table to be ignored (for days or weeks if need be) until I carried them to the kitchen and washed them for her, I finally had had enough. I wanted to talk, “No, I don’t feel like it,” came her familiar refrain.
This time it wasn’t going to work. I told her we were going to talk or she wouldn’t sleep all night; that I would pour cold water on her, if necessary; but we were going to talk!
“All right, say what you want and get it over with!” she said in a tone of voice that indicated she could care less about anything I might have to say.
“Blah, blah… and why do you behave as if there’s two Books of Rules for our marriage; one for you and one for me. One book says I have to answer to you for everyything and do whatever you tell me to do; the other book that says you don’t have to answer to me for anything. It’s as if I’m married to you, and totally responsible to you, but you aren’t married to me, and owe me nothing! … and... why do you refuse to pick-up after yourself, throw your clothes to the floor to rot, and never put anything in the same place twice… and... why won’t you clean-up after yourself or help with washing the dishes or wipe the counters or… anything?!
Tired of listening to me, I suppose, she offered as her answer the craziest reason I'd ever heard to explain why a woman shouldn't help out in the daily maintenance of a marriage.
“All right, I’ll tell you why I won’t wash the dishes, or anything else. It’s because I don’t want to set a precedent.” She paused, looking at me with hatred and defiance in her eyes.
“Pardon me?” I said. “Just what do you mean by that statement exactly? What the hell does refusing to wash dishes have to do with setting precedence’s in a relationship?”
My sweet darlin’s sharp reply: “Because, if I wash the dishes once you’ll expect me to wash them again, and I’m not going to fall into that trap!” … Huh?
“Yet, you don’t mind if I do all of those things for you," said I. "You demand that I do all those things; pick-up after you, cook, wash dishes, etc., but you can refuse to have anything expected of you? I have to answer to you, but you don’t have to answer to me; is that what you’re saying?’ I asked.
“That’s right. And I never want to talk about it again.” And off to bed she went.
Well, John, I don’t know what would be going through your mind at that moment as darlin’ stormed off to bed to turn her back on me in anger, but my mind was telling me that I had just wasted over 13-years of my life on a cold, self-absorbed, selfish, hateful sociopath, who never gave a thought to me or my needs, or even my love for her.

"Why would he stay so long with a woman like that?" I can hear you asking. Well, because in the beginning I loved her so much, and it was she I wanted to be married to. And I took my marriage seriously. I was also 30 years-old and she was 18 when we married, and I made a lot of excuses for her: she's young - she'll learn - grow-up - change over time. I was also, after-all, a pretty well-trained American male. I had seen a lot of that in other relationships. What one sees all one's life is considered to be normal, not strange or even bad. Mostly, though, I was, and still am, a loyalist. I believe that something like a marriage requires work and dedication. A good marriage isn't created overnight. Ah, well; I lived and I learned. Life isn't what we expect of it; it's what we each make of it for ourselves. My ex-wife's philosophy was to make my life a living, miserable hell. And me? Once I realized beyond any doubt that nothing I ever did was going to please my ex, and that she avoided happiness like it was the plague,I high-tailed it out of there. And, as it came to pass - my divorce was the best part of my marriage.

Am I happy with Celine, who is a complete partner, who loves to care for me, who enjoys serving me, participating totally in a ‘marriage’ with me, loving me with her entire body, mind and soul; always smiling, always happy, always pleasant, always willing, always giving?

Do I actually need to answer that question?

John, perhaps you can take solace for your loss of your Mexican honey, by noting that Mexican women are known for having fiery tempers, and their jealous rages are renowned. Also, by virtue of the amount of lard, fat and butter Mexicans use in their food, or after the first baby comes - even the slimmest of Mexicana’s can become very round, assuming that having a slim woman might be important to you.
I do prefer slim women, and you can see by her thin-bones and narrow hips in Celine's photos, she will never become fat. If a slim woman is important to you, you should consider looking for those two features in all of your future prospects.

I can understand your fascination with both the Asian world and with Filipina’s in particular. However, at the youthful age of 39, you face a predicament as far as living here in the Philippines and having gainful and financially substantial employment. In truth, I’m unsure how to advise you. If it weren’t the Philippines you were specifically interested in I would advise you that you could probably easily get long-term employment as an English instructor in China, Japan, Korea, Hong Kong, Indonesia and other Asian countries. I would think that you would be required to speak a foreign language, however.

English is the official language of the Philippines, and although they don't speak it as we do, it's still fairly common.

There are agencies in the USA that specializes in hiring English instructors for overseas employment, and you can look into that.
That would at least allow you to physically be here and familiarize yourself with Asia and the cultures of the region. You would also be ‘local’ enough that you could travel from country to country on short trips to experience Asian life and culture, look things over and also meet women that you might interested in through Internet email, or Pen-pal and personals services.
As for Universities in Puerto Princesa, Palawan; I don’t think you could find a position here. This is a back-water province, and not a area that would require that sort of need from a foreign source. But I could be wrong.
There are foreign company’s that do business here, Nestlé’s, Bank of America, Unilever, Proctor and Gamble, and so forth. You could look into international businesses as a source of employment. Or, if you have the money, you could consider opening some kind of import store catering to foreigners, or buying, shipping and selling rice or specialty fish, squid, octopus, etc. throughout the country. The exportation to america of mango's and other specialty fruits to the USA might be an option. It’s difficult know what to suggest as I don’t know your interests or abilities beyond your education.
As you might expect, with the economy in the tank and wages ridiculously low, you couldn’t possibly compete with Pinoy for jobs. You simply couldn’t afford it. A doctor, or attorney, or judge makes an approximate monthly salary of around P25K – P40K ($485 to $800). In Manila, living in under circumstances and housing that small amount of salary would afford would simply appall you.
The best advice, I would think, would be to go with your strengths. As I see it, that would be accounting, business management or teaching. There are lots of schools, colleges, Universities in Bagio, Philippines, that cater to foreign students that you might look into for teaching positions. Do some research about Bagio on the Internet. It’s high in the mountains and can even get quite cold there. There are lots of pine trees - it’s the one place in the Philippines where strawberries are grown and sold, and it experiences a lot of cold fog. The Philippines presidential summer palace is there, and the place is filled with foreigners from all over the world. But, that also means it’s more expensive to live there.
Whatever you do, don’t even consider buying a bar in a place like Angeles City, Pampanga. Don’t buy one, period. You’ll only wind up being cheated and ripped-off at every turn and lose all of your money. Leave that to the Pinoy and the few savvy foreigners that have the fortitude to wade through the craziness day after day.

I hope I have been some help to you, John. And I hope you use your brain, instead of another portion of your anatomy, to find a Filipina that you can trust and who’ll treat you as you deserve to be treated; with love and respect.
Keep ETP informed as to your progress moving over this way and let ETP know about your experiences, both good and bad, with the Filipina’s you encounter on your journey through the world of Asia.
Good fortune to you, and thanks for visiting ETP: Expatriates in the Philippines.
Rik