MALE CALL: Jim E.

Jim E. has written to ETP quite a few times. His early ‘MALE CALL’ messages appear on this site. Most, however, I received at my private email address. Jim has suffered mostly from a jealously problem. His wife apparently is insecure and constantly accuses him of having affairs – even if he went to the store to buy a few items, then returned home in a short time. Her ranting has caused Jim no end of trouble and heartache.
Jim has come close to throwing away his Honey Ko, even as he contemplates retiring within a few years in the RP. There are issues of propertyin the RP in his wife's name, and I’m sure Jim E. is concerned about it. As was noted before; RP property is held in the citizen’s name – in this case, Jim's wife – and the foreign spouse in fact has no rights regarding property, in spite of the fact that he will most likely have paid for it in full from his own pocket. That’s something future retiree’s need to be clear in understanding. Spending all of your savings on property in your wife’s name could put you in the poor house. You will be dealing with the laws of the RP, not the U.S. legal system. If your wife is scamming you, or later gets angry with you and decides to seek vengeance by selling all of the RP assets you paid for, she’d be within her rights to sell-off everything, and wouldn’t be required to give you a single peso. It might be in your best interest to wait for any number of years before you buy anything. Renting property might be a good option for you until you feel certain that your Honey Ko really loves you and will protect you – even from her. You can always write a will giving everything to your Honey Ko upon your death. That way you will protect yourself while you’re still living, and protect her from poverty once you’re gone.
Jim has long been afflicted with control and manipulation issues instigated by his wife. Jim has made attempts to gain control over his wife. Whether he’s been successful is still in question. Reading his earlier MALE CALL messages will help you to understand his plight more clearly.
ETP.

Here’s what Jim E. had to write recently:

Well, Mahal has gone back to her old tricks, and so we had a quick and definite conversation that ended with her wondering "What will I do now?"
I'm probably too soft a touch, but I gave her ONE more chance, and tried to impress on her that all she really has to do is to flush her mind clean, and remember that I am faithful, and have always been so, and will continue to be. That she cannot use accusations to manipulate nor control me, and so must stop trying. I had gotten her the reservation to the RP, and told her to send her balikbayan boxes (boxes filled with goods and taken back to one’s home country: ETP). She has characteristically not saved any money from her job, so can't send her boxes, and she wants me to send them for her, which I am not willing to do. So, perhaps this will settle the problem - at least for me. This was day before yesterday.

Your story about the Jollibee is great! I got a real laugh out of it and (it's) certainly food for thought! More and more I'm seeing the importance of going to the RP and finding one's Honey Ko, and getting to know her and her family and their situation.

I've been truly schocked by Mahal's children regarding helping me to protect what is really theirsfrom intrusive attack and removal (of hardwood trees). That's the kind of thing one needs to be on site to know. I'm going to put a caveat on my Philippinaprincess.com website to that effect, letting all know that it's not a good idea to just contact someone and then go to marry them right away!

Give my best to Celine. She's a treasure, as you surely know!

… as I described in my e-mail, Mahal has gone back to her old ways.
And we have had a good "set-to" about it. She accused me of buying a house for one of my customers who just happens to be a woman. That's a really stupid thing to accuse me of, since I can't just "rip off" $70,000 from my savings and give it to some unknown woman. Anyway, I lost my temper and told her to get her stuff packed for the coming trip to the RP. Then I went on-line and looked up the NWA (North West Airlines) schedule for flights from Orlando to Manila and presented them to her. I told her to ship-by-sea all the Balikbayan boxes she has been accumulating recently so they would be there waiting for her when she arrived. Needless to say, we went round-and-round for about 3 minutes, at which time I told her the conversation was closed. Her comment was "What will I do now?". My answer was that I don't care what she does, as long as she is out of my house and life ASAP.After a couple of hours, I (perhaps foolishly) relented, and told her that if she is satisfied with her life as it is, with me, here in the USA, all she has to do is to flush the garbage out of her mind, PERMANENTLY and never again make any such accusations! The rest of her (and my) faults can be dealt with, as of now. One of her Filipina girlfriend’s, married to another American was here, and I asked Mahal not to wear a particular ring to do her work or to take to her job. The ring in question is a 3/4 carat Canary Diamond Brilliant in a 14K gold fish-tail mounting, and the stone could be easily lost doing menial work at the job, or in the garden here at home. It was given to her by my mother, before she died, and came from my great-grandmother. (her engagement ring from my great-grandfather) When Mahal objected, her friend "got on her" in Tagalog, and told her she must obey her husband first, and that the ring has such family sentimental value that she (the friend) thought I was right. Mahal took it off, and casually put it in her apron pocket, to which I immediately objected, and told her to take it to her jewelry box and put it away properly - with agreement by her friend. She did all that, but I don't see it, now that she is gone to work. I'll have to deal with that some more, but we can work that out. Her children have reported to me several times that their half-uncle has been cutting hardwood trees on our property in Siay, and selling them. I responded that they should take some action with the Police and the DENR there in Ipil. The response I got was that "It's a long way from Pagadian, and I only have a motorcycle, and it's raining, and I don't have the money for gas, and I have a lot to do at home, etc. etc. etc..." This when I have made it abundantly clear that in the end, it's their property, and that they are being "ripped off", and the plans and provisions their grandfather made for them are being taken away! Mahal and I will probably use two or three of the trees to build a house with. The rest are for the children's use! But the uncle is clear-cutting, and has burned over half of the Cocoanut trees I have had planted, so as to plant rice or other crops. I'm shocked! Do they think I'm going to fly out there, solve the problem, and then fly home? As of today, that would be $1,400, or P78,260, just for air fare! To give them credit, they haven't asked for money to get the job done, at least up to now. And I have "No Personality" in the matter, anyway, not being a citizen of the RP. And so life goes on... sometimes good, sometimes tiresome, but in the end result, life is what we make of it. I have resigned myself to just not thinking about the land at Siay, until I get there, and then taking whatever action is needed to solve the problem permanently.I like the changes you've made to ETP, with the new medallion and the photo with the Male Call portions. Keep up the good work!

(((((ETP)))))

Hi, Jim, and thanks for once again for writing to ETP. I hate to rain on your parade, but the issue of Mahal “going back to her old tricks again,” is probably not her fault so much as yours. Mahal’s just doing what comes natural to her. You, however, are still enabling her to continue with her bad behavior. I can’t help but feel that you treat her very nicely as soon as you think you have things under control – reverting back to your usual kindness. She only interprets that as her opportunity to do what she wants. In training Mahal you must make it a 24-hour-a-day job; and you must keep at it for a long, long time. She’s set in her ways, and she liked the way things were. Why should she change now just because you’re made some verbal statements about changes? Words may get your idea across to her, but actions are going to either create the desired effects or show you that she has no intention of becoming a better, more obedient wife to you.
There are ways, and then there are ways to accomplish the same thing...
In another part of your message you wrote, “I asked Mahal not to wear a particular ring…” You asked, Jim. You didn’t tell her, “ You’re not allowed to wear that ring when you work outside… you will always put it here…” If you want to be obeyed you must calmly order her to do what you want. You don’t need to say it in a mean voice, but just be absolute in your demands. Asking will get you zip- zero - including respect.
“I’m probably too soft a touch,” you wrote. Usually when someone makes a statement such as that, they’re saying, “I AM too soft a touch.” Mahal sees that, if you don’t.
Have you wondered why Mahal, “…accused me of buying a house for one of my (female) customers(?)” I wonder what motivated that statement? What’s the purpose behind the words? If nothing else, I would think that she’s still fighting for dominance. If that’s the reason, then she still believes you can be manipulated – which shows that you haven’t asserted your dominance effectively. I know you want to be a nice and good person from your personal beliefs and volunteer bible work, and you’re probably trying to follow the teaching of Jesus to ‘love others… turn the other cheek, etc. But the bible also speaks volumns about the behavior of men and women, husbands and wives; more specifically abouthow women should behave with their husbands, and how women were punished for disobedience. The Bible speaks often to training, obedience and punishment. Try to view your marriage in context of bible teaching as well through common sense and a historical cultural flow like a river of experience and wisdom passed down through the millennia. There’s a purpose behind all that past experience of thousands of generations of relationships and marriages. To turn everything on it’s head for the sake of the current, popular Big Father model of all authority belonging to a mindless government bureaucracy is, well… mindless. It’s the same problem with the current government's attempts to regulate sexual behavior and morality. No amount of laws will make people stop doing what they’re bodies are genetically programmed and prioritized to do. To tell us to "Just say NO" is to say we’re just so stupid, we believe we can write laws governing biology and have them be obeyed.

Your biggest obstacle, after yourself, is the crazy system of laws in the USA that strip you of your right to demand a wife that works on your behalf, but instead encourages her to work against you. The only way you can gain control over her is to literally control her. It would be good practice for both of you before moving to the RP. You can begin (again) by telling her that she must ask permission to do anything – just as if she were living in the RP. That means going to the neighbor’s house or to the 7-11, as well as asking permission to leave to go to her place of work. That’s the custom in the RP. Are you going to allow her to behave as she wishes once you’re both here? Will she just be an American woman living in a foreign country? I can’t help but think that when you first married Mahal, you were wanting a Filipina-style and not an American-style wife. But you wrote that you trained her to be an equal and have the freedoms of an American woman. Well, American women believe they are more equal than the men. And they’re free from having to answer to you in any way or fashion. Did you get what you wanted?
You write that Mahal saved no money from her job, and yet she has lots of Balikbayan boxes. Who are they going to, and what’s inside? It’s all give-aways to relatives and friends, right? Who paid for the gifts? Have you considered telling her that she can no longer send boxes to the RP? Again, you’re enabling Mahal to do as she wishes, by spending and living off of your money, giving gifts away, and all the while disobeying you and making you miserable.
Is she hurting you, or are you hurting yourself?
She should be asking you permission to fill and send those boxes.

Permission – permission – permission!

It’s your responsibility to make certain to always remind, reprimand or punish her if she neglects to ask for permission. Letting it slide, even one time because your ‘tired’ and don’t want to bother or to argue, means you aren’t interested enough to do your own job ‘properly’.
I noticed that you are now using the word ‘proper’ to emphasize how her behavior should be. That’s good. But you also must behave properly in meeting your responsibilities to train her. Somehow, you need to find a way to do that within the laws you are living under. Because of those U.S. laws giving rights only to the State, it may be too late for you to make any lasting change in Mahal.
If you were already living in the RP, there would be no problem. A poorly behaved wife gets beaten with the approval of the mother and father, the rest of the family and neighbors. Even the police will most often look the other way if they know the circumstances that brought on the beating were because of a misbehaving wife. Getting drunk and beating your wife can land you in jail, though even that is not so common.
One man, the husband of Celine’s aunt Jennifer and the mayor of a town in Mindanao, went so far as to put his wife into a 55-gallon drum and kept her there for days. Knowing what I do about Jennifer, she got less than she deserved. But that’s a story for a later time.
Spanking is your best bet. It would be difficult to have you put in jail – even in the USA – for spanking your wife. Then again, thinking how the current American government is busy chipping away at everyone’s individual’s rights and becoming ‘Big Father,’ to all, I wouldn’t assume anything anymore. You could pre-empt her by telling her that she must accept her training and punishment, and that she would very much regret bringing in the authorities and making trouble for you in the USA once you’ve moved to the RP. Or unless she quietly submits to your authority you’ll “throw her away for being a worthless woman,” and she’d lose everything - so she would return to the RP with nothing but her personal possessions – and you will get a woman who wants to be your woman and a ‘proper’ wife.
There’s always the method of purchasing bondage gear such as leather wrist and leg cuffs and tying her to the bed as a way for her to ‘time-out’ and think about her bad behavior and how she’s going to improve in future. It’s even possible she may enjoy it. As I have learned from my time spent here, very many Filipina’s thoroughly enjoy being tied-up and put in forms of restraint bondage. I‘d never been interested in any sort of bondage prior to moving here; it just wasn’t part of my preferred repertoire. I’ve had to learn some new things since being here to satisfy a number of Filipina’s taste for the ‘unusual.’
It’s for certain that I, in advanced middle age, have been retrained by Filipina’s in the arts of fetish sex. Changing sure keeps things from becoming boring, if nothing else. Unlike in youth, when we know everything there is to know, I’ve since learned that I know very little, in the grand scheme of things, and am no longer so critical of others with different tastes and attitudes.
Both slapping and spanking are commonly used in the RP as a disciplinary tool between both parents and children and husbands and wives. Often you’ll find that spanking has been incorporated into a sexual pleasure, as well.
But, I’m getting into areas of “Let’s Get Physical: Two,” and so I’ll stop here.
The point is that it’s really up to you to learn how to both become an effective and responsible disciplinarian and how to train your wife to be a proper Filipina. You will never accomplish anything by being wishy-washy. Right now I think you are still looking at your wife’s behavior and her training needs through the eyes of a Westerner, and not by the ways of the Pinoy culture. That means when you bring your Honey Ko back to the Philippines to live, you’ll find yourself stuck with an Americunt but surrounded by submissive Filipina’s. Personally, I wouldn’t want to have that happen to me – the desire for what was all around me, added to the regret for what I had as a wife would be too much to bear.
You’re not doing yourself or Mahal a favor by not standing firm in your resolve to have your wife be a ‘proper’ Filipina wife.

Now, you wrote that you are giving Mahal “one more chance.” How many one more chances have you given her before? Rather than tell you what to do, let me offer alternative way of looking at the same problem. Using semantics:
A: “I’m giving you one more chance.”
B: “There are no more chances; that was your last one”
You’re saying the same thing, really, but the meaning is totally different.
“One more chance” is malleable in content rather than concrete and indicates the possibility for bending and reshaping the future, whereas, “no more chances” gives the impression of finality.
You tell her how you will be, “faithful… and always remain so”, but I don’t hear what she tells you, or what you demand of her. But what she tells you is unimportant; it’s actions that count. And it’s what you demand and how she responds that matters. It’s up to you to tell her how she will be. She will behave; she will be faithful; she will obey; she will submit to your authority; she will do what she’s told, when she’s told, and so forth. Those aren’t questions nor suggestions, leaving things open for her to interpret.
“Do these things or you’re out of here. Behave and obey as a proper Filipina or be thrown out.” It’s clear-cut with no ambiguity and no wiggle-room. If you want to be obeyed, you will have to present yourself to her with absolute authority and conviction. Anything less and you’re telling her you’re not really serious, and so there’s room for deviation.
I used (still do) the word ‘tolerate’ a good deal when I talked to Filipina’s, including Celine. “I won’t tolerate deception, even once.” “I won’t tolerate stealing or disobedience, or lying,” etc. ”If you do any of these things, I’ll throw you out and I won’t let you come back. That’s a promise, and a guarantee.” “You will either accept those terms or you will not be my woman – there’s no third choice.”
I kept my promise, and I threw out or threw away every Filipina that thought she could wiggle out of trouble or not get caught deceiving me. When I met Celine, the first talk I had with her included all I wrote above. I also told her that I was demanding and that I would dominate her and control her. I went so far as to tell her that she must give herself to me as property – that I would own her, so her obedience must be absolute. If she couldn’t accept that and serve me with total obedience, then she must go somewhere else. And there would be no trying to change things at some later time; I would own her for her lifetime and she would belong to me. Celine went homw to talk it over with her parents, They told her to do what she knew she thought best.
When Celine came to my house with her decision to be my woman, she verbally told me among other things, “I give myself to you as your property, and I belong to you completely.”
Celine later told me that because I told her those things, she knew that I would be strong, and that’s what she wanted – a strong and dominating man.
I’m not playing with words, nor fantasizing, or elaborating on what I told Celine - or what she told me. If anything I’m not telling all of what I said for the sake of brevity.
Celine has been faithful and completely obedient to me for over two years. We’ve never had a argument or a difference of opinion. She has obeyed me without questioning me once. So, instead of fighting to see who the boss will be, we laugh every single day and get along better than I ever dreamed I would with any woman. I’m satisfied beyond my wildest dreams.
Filipina’s are not Americunt’s, and their attitude, desires and needs are far different from Western females. They value and appreciate a man with a strong character.
Jim, in your message you wrote that you told Mahal… “I don't care what she does, as long as she is out of my house and life ASAP.” Then only a few hours later, you… “(perhaps foolishly) relented, and told her… all she has to do is to flush the garbage out of her mind, PERMANENTLY and never again make any such accusations!” You’re sending mixed signals to Mahal. On the one hand, it’s finished, but on the other hand you’ll relent if she can, “flush the garbage out of her mind.” Why should she? Did she the last time you told her that?
Falling back on the Western-style of relenting and non-demands won’t get you anything but more headaches.
I know you want to love you wife, but can you trust her to obey and behave? Do you think… have you considered whether she will be better or worse, or just the same once you both are living in the RP? You’re going to be facing some new and very formidable problems once you’re living here permanently. The worst of it is going to be Mahal’s need to show-off her status and wealth to those less fortunate relatives and friends. All returning Pinoy and Pinay get caught-up in that trap. Even when they don’t want to, the local people will try to force money and gifts out of her or be called “kuripot” – stingy.. If she doesn’t give, she’ll lose face – unless she can tell them that you forbade her to give anything. Believe me; you’re going to have a lot of things to forbid her to do back in the Philippines. Will she obey you then if she’s not trained to obey you now? Or will she go, “back to her old tricks again?”

Sometimes the best thing to do is admit defeat and start over. Yes, you’ll lose property and money, and perhaps the feeling that you somehow failed in your marriage. But is that worth being unhappy through the end-days of your life? Freeing your mind and spirit from problems and pain, in my humble opinion, is far more important. Haven’t you ever felt that exhilarating feeling of freedom and relief when you finally came to terms with yourself after anguishing over some hard decision? That time, as a young man, when you thought you would just die when your girlfriend broke up with you, but then realized what good fortune it turned out to be when you later met someone infinitely better? Doesn’t it feel wonderful when you make a definite decision, and then you know there’s no more agonizing? It’s not only uplifting but mentally and emotionally a freeing of the spirit.
When you finally tell your wife, “It’s my way or the highway,” so to speak, and mean it deep in your soul; you’ll know that calm feeling inside that says, “There’s no going back - and I feel great.”
Maybe that will be the moment you know that you own Mahal and your troubles with her are over. Or perhaps it will be when you know she and all her problems are now permanently in your past.
I’ve indicated to you numerous times that you don’t have to think like an American man; that there may never be another woman in your life and you don’t want to be lonely and that something is better than nothing. But I’ll say it again: there are many thousands of beautiful, young and firm Filipina’s that would gladly strangle Mahal for a chance to be your woman. Notice I didn’t say “wife.” There’s something very liberating in knowing that. You aren’t dependent on or defined by your American wife. And if I can winnow through the greedy, bad-seed Filipina’s and find Celine in two years, it’s also possible for you. Besides, it was fun going through more than 2-dozen young Filipina as I searched for Celine. There is definitely a form of happiness in variety for a middle-aged man – angst and trauma free of youthful needing-to-be-loved.

Going to the Philippines and meeting the Honey Ko you’ve met online or through the mail, and meeting her parents, and learning about their situation isn’t going to teach you much. Time is the great teacher. The parents, 99-out of-100 times, are going to be poor, and you most likely won’t be able to talk to them anyway because of language differences. The only thing you need to do is to tell everyone that you won’t support anyone but your Honey Ko, and that you expect Honey Ko to obey and protect you completely and totally. “Obey and protect me or go somewhere else.” Everything else is simply chaff in the wind.
“What will I do now,” Mahal queried?
“Obey or get out and find you own way,” one might say. Case closed.
As for Mahal’s children and your lamentations on their lack of involvement and protecting you - you have a lot to learn about the Pinoy way. Most Pinoy care about today - tomorrow or ten years from now is a long way off, and their not going to waste time thinking about that. You also wrote, “To give them credit, they haven't asked for money to get the job done, at least up to now.” I beg to differ; but that’s exactly what they’ve been doing. When they wrote, “It's a long way from Pagadian, and I only have a motorcycle, and it's raining, and I don't have the money for gas, and I have a lot to do at home, etc. etc. etc...," they were telling you, in the Pinoy way, “If you want me to do anything you’re going to have to pay me to do it.” Like I said before, you have a lot to learn about Pinoy culture. You just learned something new. Nothing will ever be done for you unless you pay. They don’t care if their inheritance is burned to the ground – they’ll take your land later: they want your money now! Welcome to the Philippines!
You can fly there if you want to, but as soon as you fly back out everything will go back to the way it was. The only way to stop the stealing and destruction of your coconut trees is to live there and protect it yourself. The police won’t do anything. They’re probably extracting a bribe to allow it. And since you aren’t going to move there for a few more years, I suggest getting over it so your blood pressure can normalize.
Write to the children and tell them you’re going to allow their uncle to steal and destroy everything, and when you get there you’re going to sell the property, even if it's at a loss, and they will get nothing from you – that since they don’t care about protecting you, you aren’t going to protect or support them. Then see what happens. But don’t say it and later not keep your promise.
Philosophically speaking, when it comes to property, don’t buy anything you’re not willing to give away, because you’re probably going to lose it anyway, either to your Filipina or through theft.
It’s nice to be nice, and it’s nice to be kind. But neither of those ideals works here. Most especially when there’s a foreigner in the mix. “He’s only a foreigner; we have to protect each other,” is an all-too-common phrase in the RP. Only strength works in the Philippines. Not mean or violent strength, but a strong will and a strong constitution. Show weakness or a willingness to be manipulated to your Filipina, her relatives, authorities or neighbors and they’ll eat you alive. It’s just the way it works. Accept that and be happy. Try to change it and you’ll end in tears.
When in Rome, do as the Roman’s do, and you’ll survive just fine.
You’ll do what you feel you need to do concerning Mahal. Follow my suggestions or not. It’s for you to decide. But, whatever you do, do it from a position of strength from within yourself. And always keep your promises.

Thanks for writing again to ETP and keeping me and my readers abreast of your on-going saga. I’m sure it will be a help to those that will eventually move here to live. Keep writing us.
Good fortune to you, Jim.
Rik - ETP